Third time’s the charm, they say. Maybe it’s just because I was happy to be on vacation, or maybe it’s because I wrote this free writing only a month after the previous one instead of six, but I think I hit a pretty nice groove with this one. Merry belated Christmas, everyone! :D
Written December 24, 2012
The battalion of reindeer crashed through the rampart of snow that had been hastily fabricated by the human resistance. As the reindeer stood atop the pitiful pile that once stood with the pretense of being a defensive structure, with their hooves packing frightful prints that struck fear into the hearts of all but the hardiest men, with their eyes glowing red, the color of Rudolph’s nose or a terrified child’s blood, they raised their noses in the air and sniffed. They sniffed to ascertain the location of those pathetic humans, but also because it was really cold and they had the sniffles. The biggest one, the leader of the pack, raised his head up high and shook it about to try to get the pieces of human flesh stuck to his antlers to fall off. But fall they did not. For when we accomplish great feats the reward sticks with us—or more appropriately, on us. Anyway, his eyes narrowed as he spotted the cave where surely the huans were holed up, after so long of running for their lives with the desperation normally reserved for those who had just awoken from a nightmare involving a tub of whipped cream and a naked Nancy Grace.
“This is it,” he thought. “For too long have we suffered under the yoke of those humans. They’ve ho ho’d their last ho.” Then he turned to his troop of equine (?) comrades. “Brothers!” quoth he. “Let us ride into battle! This will be the last Christmas for our smooth-scalped overlords!” But his soldiers did not acknowledge him. He then remembered it’s because they’re just normal reindeer and can’t talk or anything.
Okay, I just spent more than 10 seconds trying to think of what’s next. Ho-hum gotta keep writing don’t stop now. So the twist at the end of the story was supposed to be that the reindeer were all just six inches tall and that when they charged a human’s legs the crash just tickled instead of hurting. I don’t know what that meant for the bits of human flesh stuck to the big one’s antlers; I guess that’s what you’d call an inconsistency. So anyway where did all my ideas go? Man, I started out really strong.
Big ol square. A big ol square with a wizened moustache is hanging out in space when he gets a call for the octagon octopus. The octo tells him that last October he had a run in with old johnny law and won’t be home for Christmas. This devastates the aquare because all this time he was hoping that someone would ba able to bring a turkey since Square can’t cook turkeys very well and it was supposed to be Octo who brought it but now who’s going to supply the turkey for Christmas dinner? Certainly not Aunt Triangle. That nasty shape had been a thorn in his side ever since he got married seven years ago. Well there were only twelve hours left to save Christmas dinner so old Squarey hopped on the freeway of the stars and drove on down to the supermarket. When he got there there was pandaemonium everywhere. Soccer moms were killing each other over the new tickle-me ipads that had come out that year and the fathers were off attacking the free samples like their lives depended on it. The children meanwhile were causing their own kind of havoc because that’s what children are wont to do, the little monsters. So anyway Square had to fight his way to the back whre the frozen food was but when he got there he made a tragic discover y that there were no turkeys to be found. He inquired as to why this was and a sales representative told him that the store’s manager didn’t believe in Turkeys because he was raised in a good vegan household. The square then replied along the lines of “Get stuffed.” And left the store in a fit of fury. He wondered what he was going to do next when just the a mysterious stranger pulled up in a magical chariot that spurted glitter and candycanes everywhere. With a hearty laugh the stranger said :Ther’ers no time to explain get in! Well ol’ Squarey boy had certainly seen some strange crap in his time but this one really ook the cake. How can you trust a stranger you’ve never even seen before when he’s clearly a lunatic at that? Well Suqare thought it over for a bit and finally said “You know what? I’ll give it a shot because I don’t know what else to do and I need to save Christmas and if you can’t trust a stranger whose car emits glitter like some kind of gay vampire then who can you trust, darn it!?”
So he got in and had wacky misadventures with the mysterious stranger, who introduced himself as the right honorable Sir Jerry Lewis, Esq. They hopped on the milky way and flew across the sky to the Delta Secotr and pulled up next to a combination pet mortuary/Chinese restaurant. Jerry told Square “Wait here. There are some buddies of mine I need to see for a second. I have to pay off a debt.” He went in and Square waited in the car for what weemed like forever. He saw some unsavory characters walking along the cracky sidewalk planning who knows what. A man came up to the window and unfurled open his trenchcoat and Square recoiled at what he saw. Such girth! Such impressive length. This man’s trench coat lining was filled with it! But the Square said he wasn’t interested in buying a pocket watch, no matter how big it was. The man grunted, spat on the ground, then closed his trench coat and walked away. After what seemsed like seven minutes and thirty nine seconds later Jerry ran out of the restaurant with his arms covering his head. He jumped over the hood and scurried into the car. They drove away in a flash of light as the owner ran out, repeatedly firing a shot gun at them.
Square said “I thought you tol me he was an old friend?’ And Jerry turned to him and you know what he said? Cause I don’t and I’m trying to stall cause this is free writing and you’re souuposed to keep typing no matter what so anyway what Jerry said to him was “Yeah, I owed him some money but I couldn’t get it back to him until now and so he’s pretty upset about that but what are yyou gonna do, right? I mean them’s the breaks. So anyway I finally got his dollar thirty back to him so next time he shouldn’t want to kill me. I hope. So anyway, where are we going?” and square, wouldn’t you believe it, his mustache turned up at this cause the whole time he needed a turkey and this guy said to get in and now they’re not doing anyghing!
Well Square had just about had enough so he said “Please, sir. I ned to get a turkey for my family or else Christmas will be ruined, because clearly a holiday celebrating Jesus’ birth relies entirely on the presence of a cooked and stuffed fowl.” Jerry nonchalantly said “Hey, baby. Don’t worry about it. I gots ya covered. LLLAAAAADYYY!” Square looked out the window and said “I certainly hope so.” Jerry made a quick right onto Orion’s beltway and drove onward toward the Sagittarius Corner. The car pulled to stop in a dark alleyway and Jerry said “We’re here.” Square looked about and said whrer’s here? Jerry said I’m gonna get you your turkey. He jumped out of the car then looked back and motioned for Square to follow. Square reluctantly followed and they creeped through the dark alley up to a sleeping hobo. Jerry gave him a quick kick on his pinky toe and the hobo woke up with a start. Jerry said “Hey, my main man! How may you advise me on the acquisition of a large North American fowl for my associate here?” The hobo got up scratching himself and looked at Square. “Your friend here is pretty straight. Don’t look like he ain’t never done nuthin.” Square occupied himself with trying to work out how many negatives were in that sentence and whether or not they canceld out while Jerry and the Great Odiferous Hobo prattled on about means of locating a turkey for him.
Hobo sized up Square and said “You got any meat on ya?” Square was taken back by this and asked “What do you mean? Are you asking whether I exercise?” Hobo shook his head vigorously and drool flung out at high velocity. “No no no! Ya gots to haves da payments or else how’s ya gonna get da boid?” Square said “Well I brought $12.30 to pay for the turkey, but the store iddn’t have any.” The hobo looked at him with the stink eye and said “Boy, that ain’t how we do it round these here parts. If ya wants da meats, ya gots to gives the meats, ya hear?” Square lookd at him, then at Jerry, then said “I must be perfectly Frank with you right now. I want desperately to go home to my wife.”
Oh man oh man oh man. Don’t stop typing where do I go from here? A dragon? Well that’s what popped into lmy head so… I guess here we go.
The dragon laughed a great laugh as he hid in his cave. He curled up like a little fire-breathing kitty on a cold evenin around all of him precious plunder. It comforted him to know that finally he had something that no one else had. Twelve thousand turkey’s to be exact. Dragon knew in his heart that he would finally be needed, finally would he be appreciated. If they wanted turkeys they had to come to him. No longer would he have to go to them. Now the whole world and part of the asteroid belt would have to come to him if they wanted to have any chance of a Merry Christmas. Except for the nutjobs who eat tofurkey. Screw those guys, seriously. So anyway Dragon was greatly burdened by the thought of being alone for another Christmas so he set out to make sure he would be needed. A tear slipped for his eye and he thought about how lonely he was. Why did no one come to see him? Why did no one love him? He was just misunderstood, that’s all. As he was thinking these things a young girl who for some reason looks like Janice Joplin came into the cave. She put a delicate little hand on the dragon’s nose and saiod ‘There there. Big guy. You don’t have tobe afraid anymore. I’ll always—“ Just then the dragon let out a great torrent of fire and cooked her to a crisp. The dragon roared “Why can’t anyone leave me alone? Can’t you people se ethat I’m depressed because no one loves me? Don’t interrupt me!” Then he saw that he straight up murded a girl when she was trying to comfort him and then he cried again.
When Square and Jerry entered the cave the dragon was still weeping while muching on the charered remains of the girl. Jerry said “There’s the dragon! The dragon, with the fire. The firey Dragon!” Square said “Thank you, Mr. Lewis. I greatly appreciate it.” Jerry then did his best attempt at comedy before annoying the dragon who ate him that instant. Square looked up at the dragon and said “ O Great Dragon. I beseech thee. Please allow me to take these turkeys back to where they belong. Can’t you see what this is doing? You can’t steal Christmas! The Grinch tired it. Jack Skellington tried it. It never works. Because, you see,” as the sweeping orchestral score lifted behind him, “The spirit of Christmas lies within each and every one of us. You can’t take turkeys and expect us to be broken of spirit. Because what I have learned in my life is that the real Turkey rests inside our hearts. Son’t you understand now, dragon? You don’t need to chase after all hese turkeys— because the turkey in already in you. Right here.” The dragon cried even more and said “Oh how I have failed! Only too late have I realized that what I have done was in vain. I can’t make people love me! I can only make them hate me! I destroy everything I touch! Even that poor girl who tried to comfort me. That delicious, crispy young girl! O Lord! Forgive me of my tasty, perfectly roasted transgression!” The dragon continued crying and Sqaure tried to think of what to say. It’s not easy being a shape, you know.
Finally Square broke the silence by saying. “You know, Dragon. It doesn’t have to be like this.” Dragon sniffed and said “It doesn’t?” Square said “No, it doesn’t. There’s still time to save Christmas dinner. For everyone! Look at all these birds! What do you feel?” Dragon mulled it over with great thought. “They’re cold?” Square asked “And what’s the only way for these cold, frozen turkeys to be edible in time for dinner?” The dragon’s countenance lifted as he said “For me to roast them!” Aquare’s eyes twinkled. That’s right, he said to the dragon. No one has to hate you. You can do a valuable service. It’s nearly impossible to cook turkeys. I stopped trying long ago. But you! You can be our hero! After all, there are two sides to every story, right? Or in my case, four!” They shared a good, corny holiday chuckle.
Square said “But no, seriously. Give me back my turkey.” So Square rode on Dragon’s back across the Milky Way back home, dropping turkeys while shouting with good cheer. When dragon reached Square’s home, he lit a fire for one final time and roasted Square’s turkey to a golden crisp. Everyone shared a beautiful Christmas dinner and all was right with the world. But then the police arrested Dragon on charges of murder and he died alone in prison.
Merry Christmas, everyone!