There comes a point in every man’s life when a judge forces him to deliver a written apology to a man he’s assaulted. This is that letter:
Dear Mr. Smith,
First of all, Hi! How are you? I hope the wife is doing well. In fact I know she is, but that’ll have to wait for another court-mandated letter. In the meantime, give her my love (or just leave the back door unlocked so I can continue to do it for you). How about the little tyke Junior? That’s great. So happy for you. Anyway, I’m writing to respond to the incident that happened in Joe’s Tavern last week. I trust that you have been released from the hospital by now. So let’s jump in, shall we?