Written May 3rd, 2011

I was looking at a shelf of alphabetized DVDs in Best Buy when an employee asked me “Are you finding everything OK?”

I assumed, based on the inanity of his question, that this was a contest to see who could be more stupid. I replied “Why no, I’m looking for the Atari 2600 game E.T., but I inexplicably can’t seem to find it amongst these moving pictures. Would you like to help me find it? Do you perhaps have a treasure map located on or within the general vicinity of your person? Let’s go on a quest for this cartridge. Would that tickle your adventure bone? What say we frolic in the field of webcam displays with joyous abandon, hmm? Oh, the chuckles we will issue forth! Oh, what gaiety will commence!”

“Actually, I don’t think we carry games for that system. Maybe you could try Game Stop.”

“Oh, well thanks for that stolid advice, Mr. Jeff. Mayhap with your expertise you could assist me in another area of my electronic needs. You see, I don’t know whether to buy an iPhone 4 or a Jitterbug. I know that they are both sterling electronic devices, with a storied history of telecommunication excellence, but how can I choose when that lady from the T-Mobile commercials tells me to ‘Get more?’ I’m trying, OK?”

“Well, there is quite a bit of diff—”

“How many internets come with the 4G? Can it get me the FaceTube?”

“I don’t underst—”

“To look at the cat what wants the cheeseburger!”

“Sir, I’m afraid you’re very confused, and misguided.”

“I’ll say! McDonalds stops selling those salad shakers, and they don’t tell me?! Can you believes it?!”

“What? Are you—”

“The Haaaawk! Clad in darkness! He’s the one who can bridge our two worlds, Jeff! You’ll never be clean until you submit to the mighty Hawk Lord, Jeff! No matter how much you scrub, you’ll never be clean, Jeffrey! NEVER BE CLEAN, JEFFREY! So I’m guessing I should just get the iPhone 4, right? I mean, the Windows 7 Phone isn’t compatible with my Macintosh, no matter how long I rub it. Mmm. Rub it. Yeah, you like that, don’t you?”

“Sir, are you trying to rape me with your mouth? I have to go on break. Like, right the f*** now.”

“Oh, okay. That’s cool. I’ll catch up with you later, Jeff!” I called after him. I saw the elderly woman staring at me with a look of what I can only assume was awe from across the aisle. I smiled and said “Oh, yeah. We go way back. Why, just a few minutes ago we were to embark on a perilous escapade to locate the greatest game of all time! Friends don’t come like that nowadays, you know? Except for that lovely young Burmese lady who came to me through the mail. Say, do you think you could help me rub my phone?”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in the mall anymore.